Every little thing

yup it is as I feared.
every little shit-thing I do always reflects on others.
well the ones that don't deserve it.
why is this though?
I am not remotely important as I could be, nor am I interesting and like.. social.
there are so many things I could do so much better and every time I read someting or see someone doing something I've always wanted to do or something I have planned, it hurts.
Because this reminds me that I could do so much more, I could be so much more.
If I only had the energy or even the personality.
I think people expect me to do certain things just because the way I am sometimes just implies that I would do the other.
Problem is that the way I am to people and the way I truly am, differs sometimes.
Not all the time, I certainly don't have any difficulty being myself around people, but just sometimes, I seem more.. more.
When I am in fact not.

I am half as good as you think I am and I am probably twice as good as I think I am.

But this truly sucks though, I am going to try to rearrange my life, find time to do the things I want to and the time do also do the things I must.
I should really start exercising for real and buy clothes I feel pretty in.
I should really savure my relationships to people and be open to others as well.
There are very few people in my school for instance that I find to be of any substance.
People that I can discuss other things that homework or parties with.
But then again why should I be so picky about them?
I am no more special, it is all about relationships to others, how you are with this person, and that person.
It changes.
And that sucks.
Every little detail, every little thing all has to do with states of mind and stuff.
And I need to get a grip, and stop being a bitch and affect the ones that I don't want it to affect.
The truth is, the one that I want to be a bitch towards, is me.
And I am doing a good job actually.
But I should seriously snap out of this.
And I will.
Soon.